EXCHANGING CONTEMPT FOR COMPASSION…What our God can do

“Fill us at daybreak with your mercy, that all our days we may sing for joy.”
(Psalm 90:1) Sunrise at Lake Cortez courtesy of my friend Cathy Raney.

This month I’m feeling prompted to re-visit a post that I wrote and published in February, 2020. This was before Covid came upon us. My husband and I were visiting our beloved island, the Dominican Republic, for the winter. We were staying at a small condo complex on the beach, Orilla del Mar, which we affectionately call a hidden gem. I had just begun a program to become certified as a Spiritual Director—a program that would draw us to another part of the country, another hidden gem, Hot Springs Village, Arkansas where we now happily live.

As I recently re-read this old blog, I could vividly recall the struggle that was going on at the time in my heart—a heartache with a troubled relationship. I believe that something we all have in common which unifies us as a people is our desire for relationship and our struggles with relationships. As I finished reading, my heart smiled with awe and gratitude because I was no longer in the same place. God has slowly and gently healed that heartache and has indeed exchanged my contempt for His compassion. May this encourage you as to what God can and wants to do for us all. Enjoy the read…

My spiritual director recently asked me, “What is God’s essence to you?” I was taken aback by the question, but also intrigued. So I went to prayer, asking God to reveal the answer. We have been in the Dominican Republic for over three weeks now. When we arrived, January weather was upon us—lots of rain and high winds. The palm trees were waving to me, dancing with abandon. This seems to have passed, and I am now sensing a stillness in the air. Each morning as I come out to my balcony and greet the day, I notice how still the palm trees are. As I sink into the rhythm here, I also sense a stillness come upon me. I definitely feel that I encounter God in the silence and stillness. A new thought has been coming to me. Perhaps God’s essence is stillness?

In silence and stillness, my heart waits for you. (Psalm 62)

It seems that God not only reveals Himself to me in the stillness, but He uses stillness to reveal myself to me. To show me my essence and the condition of my heart. These winter stays in the Dominican Republic the past four years have been so healing for me. While I didn’t come with any expectations this year, I sense a greater openness to surrender to God, His ways, and His plan for me. I feel He has given me the desire, or the grace, to long to go deeper with Him, to allow Him to transform me more into the image of His son, Jesus.

In one of the Spiritual Direction classes that I am currently taking, we are following the life of Jesus from his birth to his death as told in the Gospels. Recently we have been looking at the concept Poverty of Spirit. This seems to me like an old termone that I am drawn to understand more fully, or should I say, experience more fully.  I recently read in the Rule of Benedict, “…in the dark days of the spiritual life, when we have failed ourselves miserably, we must remember the God who walks with us on the journey to our best selves and cling without end to the God who fails us never.” I believe this speaks to Poverty of Spirit —a deep knowing of my fragile human state, and God’s desire that I come to Him in that poverty, and completely depend on Him to show me the way. Simply put, I constantly ask Him, “God, what would you have me do or be in this situation, and would you give me the grace to act or be as you desire?”

So, all this is a backdrop to the title of this blog. As I’ve been enjoying the stillness of this place and the stillness within me, God is revealing more truth to me about myself.  Things that get in the way of me loving God and others well.  Things that keep me bound in fear rather than free in God’s grace. Often, God uses relationships to teach me these truths about Him and about me.  I have found that when I feel either hurt, misunderstood, or not held in high esteem, this can easily turn into contempt for another or self-contempt. Contempt— I don’t really like that word. When I first encountered it, I wasn’t sure of its meaning, but I am learning.

Contempt is a pattern of attitudes and behavior, often toward an individual or group, but sometimes towards an ideology, which has the characteristics of disgust and anger.

Treat-with-contempt is to consider someone or something or myself to be unworthy of respect or attention.

Treating others with disrespect, disdain, mockery, name-calling, aggressive humor, and sarcasm are examples of contemptuous behavior.

Years ago, I was in a ministry situation where I was upset with the leader of the organization and how I perceived that he treated others. I realize now that my anger had turned to contempt towards him. It filled my heart and showed itself in ways that I was unaware of.  At the time, God had given me a dear, wise, older woman who took the time to listen to my heart in the matter. After hearing my narrative of the situation, she replied that I needed to get that “venom” out of my system.  Venom was an accurate description of what filled my spirit at the time. My heart was very dark.  She then asked me a simple question, “Cherry, do you have any compassion for this man?” That stopped me cold. I knew that I did not. I hadn’t even considered, up until that point, that I should have compassion for him. Her insight began a long healing process in me.

Compassion literally means “to suffer together.” To show kindness, caring, and a willingness to help the other.

This past year, I seem to have revisited the ugly emotion of contempt toward another. Feeling hurt, misunderstood, and not held in high esteem, contempt slithered its way into my spirit.  It subtly shows itself in sarcasm, disrespect, unkind humor, and a dismissive attitude. While these revelations are painful, I am grateful to God’s gracious Spirit for pricking my own spirit and revealing more of myself to me. I have prayed that God show me my blind spots, and God always answers that prayer.  God opens my eyes and I can see. As we are studying Poverty of Spirit, God has gently shown me my heart, and invited me to allow Him to exchange my contempt for His compassion for all involved in the situation. A friend describes God’s interior work saying, “God is melting me.” It has felt like God “melts” my contempt and brings forth His compassion in me—through a day-by-day process.

Poverty of Spirit means letting go of my feelings and depending on God’s wisdom. My spiritual director suggested I spend time BEING with God, watching the ocean waves come in and out.  I can talk to God about my contempt or any other negative or troubling feelings, and allow Him to take them. Let those negative feelings roll out with the waves. As a new wave comes in, I can view it as God giving me His grace, His compassion, allowing me to see myself and the other more clearly. And to see how God is working in all this for the good of us all. God offers me freedom from the things that bind me—freedom to genuinely love God and others.  I was reminded of John 8:31-32—

“To the Jews who believed in him Jesus said: If you make my word your home you will indeed be my disciples; you will come to know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”

When I’m living free in God’s kingdom, I can truly live. When our oldest son started his freshman year in college, I remember him sharing with me, “Mom, I love life. I want to take a great big bite out of it.”  His words describe the essence of my word for this year—savor.  I, too, want to take a great big bite out of life, to savor it.

Over the years, I am coming to deeply believe that I must depend on God for all the things that really matter in life.  Those are usually things of the heart— relationships. At my age, I have come to know through experience God’s transforming power in my life and in the lives of others. I want to continue to be open to that power all the rest of my days. I believe that God wants to bring out the best in me and in all my relationships. This belief gives me hope and is something for which I’m willing to fight.  I am open to do the hard work of cooperating with God in this transformation. This usually means doing things that make me uncomfortable or may cause me fear and anxiety. Time and time again, I find that freedom awaits me on the other side. Poverty of Spirit, a complete dependence on God, can indeed melt contempt and bring forth compassion.

I recently read Psalm 92 and wrote in my journal: “I want to flourish like the palm trees. To flourish in your courts, O God. To still bring forth fruit in my old age, and be ever full of sap and green.”

For this post, I’ll add a prayer that reflects a compassionate heart full of God’s love rather than one full of contempt:

Dear Jesus, help me to spread your fragrance everywhere I go. Flood my soul with your spirit and life. Penetrate my being so that all my life may only be a radiance of you. Shine through me, and so be in me that every person I come in contact with may feel your presence in my soul. Let them look and see no longer me, but only Jesus. Stay with me, and then I shall begin to shine as you shine, so to be a light to others. The light, O Jesus, will be all from you; none of it will be mine. It will be you shining on others through me. Let me thus praise you in the way you love best, by shining on those around me.

FORGIVENESS—IT’S DIVINE…

As I’ve pondered and prayed about what to share this month, I have felt stuck. Since beginning this blog experience in 2018, I’ve committed to only write when I’ve felt lednot to force anything. So…I have been praying and waiting. Last night a friend shared with me her reflections on a book both of us are readingSpiritual Direction…Wisdom for the long walk of faith by Henri Nouwen. As I listened to her share, I felt deeply moved, and I knew I had the material for this blog. So, I am simply going to share a section of this book that moved my friend and me. I pray that as you read, God may speak in a way that is personal and meaningful to you and your life today. I will preface this by saying that forgiveness from the heart is a true grace and gift from God. It is not something we can do on our own. Thus, the blog title—IT’S DIVINE.  We can pray for it and keep ourselves open to God’s ongoing healing in our hearts.

Within the discipline of life in community are the twin gifts of forgiveness and celebration that need to be opened and used regularly. What is forgiveness? Forgiveness means that I continually am willing to forgive the other person for not fulfilling all my needs and desires. Forgiveness says, ‘I know you love me, but you don’t have to love me unconditionally, because only God can do that.’ I too must ask forgiveness for not being able to fulfill other people’s total needs, for no human being can do that.

We all have wounds. We all live in pain and disappointment. We all have feelings of loneliness that lurk beneath all our successes, feelings of uselessness that hide under all the praise, feelings of meaninglessness even when people say we are fantasticand that is what makes us sometimes grab onto people and expect from them affection, affirmation, and love that they cannot give. If we want other people to give us something that only God can give, we are guilty of idolatry. We say, ‘Love me!’ and before long we become demanding and manipulative. It’s so important that we keep forgiving one anothernot once in a while but every moment of life. This is what makes community possible, when we come together in a forgiving and undemanding way.

Our heart longs for satisfaction, for total communion. But human beings, whether it’s your husband, your wife, your father, mother, brother, sister, or child, are all limited in giving the level of love and acceptance we all crave. But since we want so much and we get only part of what we want, we have to keep on forgiving people for not giving us all we want. So, I forgive you since you can only love me in a limited way. I forgive my mother that she is not everything I would like her to be. I forgive my father because he did the best he could. This is of enormous importance right now because constantly people look to blame their parents, their friends, and the church for not giving them what they need. Many people are so angry. They cannot forgive people for offering only limited expressions of an unlimited love. God’s love is unlimited; our love is not. Any relationship you enter intoin communion, friendship, marriage, community, or churchwill always be riddled with frustration and disappointment. So, forgiveness becomes the word for divine love in the human context.

Community is not possible without the willingness to forgive one another ‘seventy-seven times’ (Matthew 18:22) Forgiveness is the cement of community life. Forgiveness holds us all together through good and bad times, and it allows us to grow in mutual love.

As people who have hearts that long for perfect love, we have to forgive one another for not being able to give or receive that perfect love in our everyday lives. Our many needs constantly interfere with our desire to be there for the other unconditionally. Our love is always limited by spoken and unspoken conditions. What needs to be forgiven? We need to forgive one another for not being God.”

During these cooler days, may we draw closer to the Divine and let God warm our hearts with love and forgiveness.

THE WAY OF LOVE

Often as a new month approaches and I am considering what I will share in my blogpost, I reflect back on the past month and the lessons it has brought me. Early last month, I listened to a podcast with Bishop Robert Barron titled How to Discern God’s Will for Your Life. I was drawn to its message and shared it with many of my friends. You can find it on You Tube.

Bishop Barron suggests that when making decisions, we keep in mind first and foremost:

What is the path of greatest love?

Or, what is the demand of love in this present situation? How would Jesus walk through this? What path opens up my capacity to love? While these are excellent questions, they are not answered easily or quickly. But I believe they are a very wise place to start. Surrendering to God with a willingness to pray, to wait, and to watch for God’s movement.

In situations involving others, my mind naturally wants to go to what I think the other person or persons may be thinking or wanting. Next, I add what I think or want, and soon my mind gets very messy or cluttered. Fortunately, God’s grace breaks in and tenderly reminds me to go to Him and ask Him to sort this all out—What does God want? How does God see this all? Ultimately, I want what God wants. If I let God calm my spirit and give Him time with the situation, clarity will come. God will grant me His wisdom.  I want to keep in mind that we all are continually changing. There is always more to know about another person, about myself, and about any given situation.

I’m reminded of the well-known Scripture passage, 1 Corinthians 13, that starts with:

Love is patient, love is kind…

And ends with the promise:

Love prevails. God prevails.

That is what I truly desire. God and Love.

God is so patient and tender with all of my shortcomings. I want to be that way with others. In a recent conversation with my youngest daughter, I shared that as I age, I’m drawn to friends who want the best for me and allow me to walk through the process of discerning what that “best” is. And I want to do the same for others. I believe the way of love gives us all that freedom.

“Trying to change other people is futile, foolish, and
certainly not loving.”    Courage to Change

“The beginning of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves and not to twist them to fit our own image.”
Thomas Merton

So this month, let there be love and let it begin with me.

JUDGE NOT…

“Wisdom comes to rest in a good heart.” Proverbs 14:33

This summer I have been reflecting back on how my life has been shaped and continues to be formed or transformed by the communities to which I belong. For over three decades, I have been blessed to be a part of twelve step recovery groups. Here is a recent reflection in a recovery devotional called Courage to Change.

“Our Suggested Closing says that though you may not like all of us, you’ll love us in a very special way—the same way we already love you. In other words, every meeting can be an opportunity to practice placing principles above personalities. Most of us are highly aware of the personalities of people around us. Instead of getting lost in petty likes and dislikes, it is important to remember why we come to meetings. We all need each other in order to recover.

I don’t have to like everybody, but I want to look deeper to find the spirit that we share in common. Perhaps I can find peace with each person by reminding myself of those things that draw us together—a common interest, a common belief, a common goal. I will then have a resource for strength rather than a target for negative thinking. I will have placed principles above personalities.

Today’s Reminder: I will keep an open mind toward each person I encounter today. If I am ready to learn, anyone can be my teacher.

The open door to helpful answers is communication based on love. Such communication depends on awareness of and respect for each other’s well-being and a willingness to accept in another what may not measure up to our own standards and expectations.”

This type of non-judgmental, open, and accepting attitude is one of the reasons I continue to attend meetings. I need to be reminded of how I truly want to live day by day.  I am offered a design for living that works. I’ve heard it said that God’s Kingdom is most powerful where and when we least expect it. This was true when I walked through the doors of my first meeting. It still proves true in life today. God surprises me by showing up in unexpected places, IF I’m paying attention.

I came into the rooms of recovery with a very wounded heart. I had spent time in adulthood attempting to hide those wounds or to mend them myself. I had failed. Deep down I didn’t think I was capable of really loving well. I had lost my way and let go of the spiritual beliefs and values that had been my foundation from youth. I judged myself and everyone else very harshly.

“Never trust your tongue when your heart is bitter. Hush until you heal.”

I needed healingphysical, emotional, mental, and, most of all, spiritual healing. My heart was broken enough to be open and slightly hopeful that I could be healed. Many years later, I learned that our souls can be endangered by discord, and that we cannot let the hurting, hard heart drive our bus. I had lived many years in discord, and my heart was hard. I needed to step back, pay attention as best I could, and trust in the wisdom of others who had gone before me.  I slowly began to put my trust in God.

“We can let down the barriers of our hearts and souls so that the God of the unexpected can come in. God can roll away the stone to your heart.”Pope Francis

The twelve steps were the beginning of a return to the spiritual path—the faith of my youth but now through the mind and heart of an adult. God began to slowly and gently chip away at what I had allowed to stick to me. Together, God and I began to clear away the clutter so that I could learn to listen deeply. Today, I can pay attention to and appreciate the gentle wisdom of this world of wonders. I can look for sacred implications in the everyday. I can feel the warmth of God’s healing love as I am made new, again and again.

“Bless the work of our hands and hearts. God is glorified by the holiness of His people’s hearts.”

As my focus has slowly shifted off of myself and on to God and others, I am learning to view life and others thoughtfully. My heart is ready to receive God’s graces and share that love with others. I’ve heard our relationship with God described as two trapeze artiststhe flyer and the catcher. I just need to fly, trusting that I will be caught.

This gentler approach extends to the other relationships in my life. As I watch someone make decisions or navigate their life in a way different from me, I want to keep in mind that they are a mature adult who has most likely thoughtfully considered their options. They are doing their best to make decisions wisely. I want to respect and honor them in that process just as I want to respect and honor my decisions, aware that if new information comes along, we each can change our minds.  There are many times that it is best to simply allow others to work their way through the hard points in life. To pray and trust God in the process. Above all, to judge not. I trust that God can bridge our differences with the fire of Divine Love. God never withholds His love from me. I don’t want to withhold my love from others who may see things differently from me. I want to keep a good, soft heart so that God’s wisdom can enter in.

“Jesus, you know the strengths and weaknesses of the human heart. Share with us your patience and compassion; remind us that another may carry a cross beyond our imagining.”

Quotes taken from People’s Companion to the Breviary, The Liturgy of the Hours with Inclusive Language

HEART TO HEART FRIENDSHIPS…Centered on God’s Heart

As a mother of three adult daughters, I have precious memories of cuddling with my girls and watching Anne (with an “e”) of Green Gables.  I was particularly drawn to Anne’s heart cry for a “bosom friend–a kindred spirit”.   Just as now I am drawn to how God is described in Scripture as loving us with “tender strands” that gently hold us to Him (Hosea 11:4).  God’s holy chords of love gently binding or tethering us to Him and to others.

Growing up in a home with much turmoil, I didn’t have a lot of solid role modeling for healthy relationships.  In grade school, I was a part of a group of three girlfriends. Those groups usually come with troubles—comparison, competition, and jealousy with one person feeling left out.

In high school, I had a best friend, Bonnie, whose heart, like mine, was wounded by her family life.  At that time, I was ashamed to have people come to my home out of fear that my dad would embarrass me by drinking too much and misbehaving.  But Bonnie seemed to understand. She was one friend I could have over to the house, and I would spend time at her home as well.

In college, I got very close to my first roommate, but she took a turn towards alcohol and drugs and unfortunately, for both of us, she dropped out of school the end of freshman year.  The rest of my college days and my early years in the business world did not yield a real bosom friend.  I was much too self-focused — on my education and then on my career — to genuinely invest my heart into forming an authentic friendship. My wounded heart had withdrawn from God, who I now know as the source of all true human connection.

That wounded heart eventually led me to a very broken place in my mid-30’s — divorced and a single mother — where God was able to reach out to me with those “tender strands” of grace and mercy. He rescued me, and I tentatively began a journey of recovery. A time of discovery of who God is and who He created me to be.  This was the beginning of my heart healing and the foundation for cultivating authentic friendships with women.

Fast forward three decades later, what do I now feel about friendship? Do I still long for a bosom friend? Is that possible? My answer is yes, and, by God’s grace, I have experienced those types of friendships through the years. As I write, their faces come to mind, and I smile with deep gratitude for each one of them.  Those that are in my life and my hometown right now and those who live across the United States and in other countries. Other than my faith and my family, they are my most prized possessions.

Now as a woman in my sixties, I would describe friendship as a precious gift from God that He grants to us for His divine purposes. He uses those same “tender strands” to gently bind us to another—a “bosom friend.”  I am learning that my relationship with God and with myself will define my relationships with others.  I’ve heard it said that our horizontal relationships are dependent on our vertical relationship with God, as the cross so vividly symbolizes.

We each have had friendships that have seemed to work or to have gone the distance and those that have not.  But who are we to judge how God sees those relationships. Rather, we are to simply hold them gently and loosely, to enjoy them for the time and trust the big plan to God.

So, if friendships are a gift from God, what part do I play? What creates the bond? Years ago, I shared with my mentor a struggle I was having with a friend and she wisely asked me, “Have you asked God what He would like that friendship to look like?” I had not, but instantly sensed the wisdom of her advice, which has stayed with me ever since.

When we returned from living abroad for almost ten years, I sensed God tenderly prompting me to allow Him to gift me with the women with whom He now wanted me to share my life and my heart.  Sacred companions who will run the good race with me. And when I let go of my expectations and allow God to provide, I am always pleasantly surprised, humbled, and oh-so- grateful for His goodness. I meet with a Franciscan nun for spiritual direction. The first time we met, I sensed that she was excited (almost with childlike excitement) that God had brought a new person into her life. Of course, that made me feel wonderfully encouraged and made me want to live my life that way—wide open to all the gifts God has for me day by day.

I could share much more—and maybe I will in another post—but I’ll leave you with these thoughts on finding that “bosom friend” …

  1. Start with prayer. Let God lead. Make your relationship with Him your top priority. Allow Him to heal your past heart hurts so you bring a heart-on-the-mend to the relationship.
  2. Remember that in friendship, as in many deeper things, less is probably better. We only have so much time, energy, and space in our life. Live within the boundaries that God sets for you. We all change over time, so relationships change and may come to an end. Be okay with that. Let go with grace and gratitude.
  3. Be prepared to give the gift of time and presence to another—both are necessary to really hear and understand a heart.
  4. Be willing to share deep troubles and celebrate victories without comparison or jealousy.
  5. Genuine friendships are characterized by a shared passion, honesty and mutuality—a give-and-take flow to the relationship.
  6. God’s divine purpose for each relationship will be different, but this we can be sure of: His desire is for us to want His best for the other person and to patiently walk alongside them as they grow into His perfect design for their life. Two people each growing towards God is a powerful partnership and force for good in our world.

A book that one of my bosom friends and I read together is Sacred Companions, the Gift of Spiritual Friendship and Direction by David G. Brenner.  And I read it again with my husband.  You may want to put it on your reading list or, better yet, read it with a friend.

I welcome your comments or questions.