YEARNING FOR LIFE*

“As a deer yearns for running streams, so I yearn for you, my God.” Psalm 42:1

Almost three decades ago, I was invited to my first silent retreat at a Benedictine monastery in Nauvoo, Illinois.  The nuns directing the retreat had chosen chapter 55 from the book of Isaiah as the theme for the weekend.  Throughout our time with them, we would read and meditate upon this piece of sacred Scripture.  The chapter begins with this invitation:

“Oh, come to the water all you who are thirsty… (Isaiah 55:1)

And continues with this instruction:

“Pay attention, come to me; listen, and you will live.” (Isaiah 55:3a)

And concludes with this promise:

“Yes, you will go out with joy and be led away in safety. Mountains and hills will break into joyful cries before you and all the trees of the country side clap their hands. Cypress will grow instead of thorns, myrtle instead of nettles. And this will be fame for Yahweh, an eternal monument never to be effaced.”          (Isaiah 55:12,13)

These verses invite us to live, show us how to live, and paint a vibrant picture of what that life can look like. The result is that we are transformed and God is glorified.

The years have not seemed to dull the vivid memories I have of that weekend. A cherished remembrance is the softly wrinkled face and twinkling eyes of an older nun who served coffee and tea at the end of the food line throughout the weekend.  She spoke not a word but her eyes, smile, and gentleness drew me in and made me long for more of what she had.  I now would describe that moment as a time when the Divine broke through to my everyday reality, beckoning me to come closer, to more deeply explore what it means to be a Christ follower.

Since that silent retreat, I have continued to pursue God and an authentic faith. I believe that God prompted me to open that door and my heart just a little bit.  As it says in Scripture, “Jesus replied: Anyone who loves me will keep my word, and my Father will love him, and we shall come to him and make a home in him.”  (John 14:23)  I desire our loving God to make a home in me.

What is more important and precious to me is that God has continued to pursue me.  In so many unique ways.  He has sent me numerous people and experiences that reflect Him and draw me closer, into the mystery.  I have been blessed by the counsel of so many “wise ones”.  A gift that has been essential to my journey.  I have encountered wise ones in recovery and wise ones in the faith who are following Christ and model for me how to do the same. Who are the wise ones in your life?  Cherish them, listen and observe them, and take heed to follow their example.  Pray that God send you wise ones and then pay attention.  My wise ones have taught me much about God and much about myself.

Recently I read, “Nothing can compare to the drama of exploring my full potential as a human being”. ** Becoming more fully and more passionately myself so I can actively contribute to life and genuinely love others.  In my current season of life, I long to grow old with a sense of purpose. I believe that “time is always and forever an invitation to growth”. *

Striving to become all you can be is attractive.  Recovery programs are based on attraction rather than promotion.  So is Christianity.  Don’t tell me, rather show me. Does your life intrigue others? Does mine? I certainly desire that.

Since entering the decade of our 60’s, my husband and I have attended many funerals.  Some as a result of sudden deaths.  This certainly can take one’s breath away and cause one to pause and ponder. Many life lessons can be learned. One that I’m particularly drawn to is “Carpe Diem”—to seize the day, each day.   In a thoughtful book that I just finished reading, I was challenged to make a list – “Before I die, I want to_____________” * What a wonderful way to start this new year. I challenge you to make that list for yourself.

“Our hearts are restless until they rest in you, Lord.” St. Augustine—His words echo anew for me today.

As we enter the season of Lent, a time to pause and reflect, may we take these thoughts and questions to heart—may we spend ample time in the classroom of silence.

 

*How to Live—What the Rule of St. Benedict Teaches Us About Happiness, Meaning, and Community by Judith Valente. (This post has been inspired by this beautiful book which I highly recommend reading.)

**Courage to Change—One Day at a Time in Al-Anon II

DON’T FIGHT YOUR LESSON

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I awoke the other morning with these six words clearly in my head—“It’s your lesson. Don’t fight it.” As I made my way to coffee and my morning spot, I felt a sense of peace come over me, knowing that God was in this, lovingly in charge. God is in our present waiting for us there.  Before I share more of my present moment, let me give a brief backdrop of my year up to this point.

At the dawn of each new year, I ask God for a word or a theme for the upcoming year. This year I felt God say, “Holiness”. I sensed that I had a longing for this but wasn’t sure what the word meant for me. Paying attention to what I had been reading gave me some clues. Here are some thoughts I have written in my journal so far this year. I write them as if God were talking to me.

Pay attention. Be grateful. Live aware.

Linger over your life. Ponder the precious things.

Be all I created you to be–that’s holiness.

And from Holy Scripture: “He [God] must grow greater, I must grow less.”  (John 3:30)

As I write today, Dave and I are back visiting the Dominican Republic. The past two years, our visits have been deeply nourishing to our souls. Before we came, I prayed that I would be open to what God would have for us this year and not come with my own expectations. I’m grateful that God prompted me to pray that way because the first few weeks of this visit have been quite different from past years.  Some family matters back home have required our attention so I’ve not been able to unplug the way I like to. And I have struggled with that a bit.

With this in mind I go back to those six words God gave to me the other morning: “It’s your lesson. Don’t fight it.”  Once God gave me the gentle reminder that I am to live out well the life He gives me day by day, I was able to sense His presence and strength, and to go forward even with some excitement toward what lies ahead.

I first asked myself, “Can I do it differently this time?”  When a familiar lesson comes back around, it is an opportunity to grow and be changed by the experience.  That is so hopeful. An occasion to dig deeper with God if I linger with God rather than fight life as it presents itself.

As I was pondering, praying, and paying attention to my life, I read the following:

“We should always be willing to face our shortcomings with humility, courage, and hope. When we admit we have big problems, we can start looking for big solutions. We are not here to solve problems; the problems are here to solve us. We do not do things and solve problems merely to get them out of the way so that we can get on with life. Doing things and solving problems are very much a part of life, and every moment of life is an opportunity to become a-better-version-of-yourself. But we need to be conscious of this truth in order to reap the harvest of the moment. In every situation in my life, in every problem, every difficulty, I know that if I allow the values and principles of the Gospel to guide me, it will turn out for the best. It will not always turn out as I wish, but I will be a better person for having lived the Gospel in that situation, and because of that, my future will be richer.” **

There is much to think about and reflect upon in these words. They help me to accept the reality of my life, day by day.  And they take me back to my theme for this year. I believe living this way is holy living. Living aware that there is always more going on than what meets the human eye. Attune to what is really Real. Remembering that God is in our present, waiting for us there. This type of holiness is attractive and contagious.  It intrigues others, allures them, and can even change them. As I change, my community changes. That’s how God works.

While I will relish my idle time here, grateful for its value to my life, I pray I can also sink into the inevitable problems of life, viewing them as a path to holiness.  Trusting that God delights in weakness that tries.

As I watch another gorgeous Dominican sunrise, I pray–

cabarete sunrise

Lord, please help me to walk in my lesson today—my path to holiness.

 

**Rediscover Catholicism—A Spiritual Guide to Living with Passion and Purpose by Matthew Kelly

OPENING MY HEART

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One of my favorite priests begins daily mass by encouraging us in a soft voice with a twinkle in his aging eyes, “Let us begin by opening our hearts to God…” Later, he invites us to “Lift up our hearts to the Lord.”  Since I began my journey to follow Christ, I have been intrigued by how often the word “heart” is found in the Scriptures. It is one of those words that I have been drawn to without fully understanding its meaning. It has seemed to me a weighty word, packed with significance.  Our heart is crucial to our physical life but equally vital to our emotional and spiritual well-being.

When I began a program of recovery in my mid-thirties, my first sponsor suggested that rather than relying solely on my brain, I might begin to exercise another organ, my heart.  They say that we stop growing emotionally when our addiction takes over.  If this is true, I began recovery with the emotions of a 16-year-old.  I had a lot of growing up to do.  I was trying to live my life with a heart that had been severely wounded—initially by others, then later by my own hand, choices, and decisions. You could say that I needed a heart transplant.

As I moved forward in recovery and began “growing along spiritual lines,” as the program suggests, I joined a women’s Bible Study.  One of the women, who later became a close friend, talked about “guarding your heart.”  Again, I wasn’t sure what that phrase actually meant, but it seemed a wise thing to do, and I wanted to know more.

I began reading passages like—

              “God, create in me a clean heart, renew within me a resolute spirit.” (Psalm 51:10) — I sure wanted that.

I found comfort in—

              “God is close to the brokenhearted, to those crushed in spirit.” (Psalm 34:18) — I have come to believe that it is in my pain that God is closest to me, whether I realize it or not.

I found hope in—

               “A good person out of the store of goodness in his heart produces good… for from the fullness of the heart the mouth speaks.” (Luke 6:45) — This can be my future as God’s Spirit works in me.

And my favorite—

              “Mary kept all these things, reflecting on them in her heart.” (Luke 2:19) — Mary is also described as “pondering all these things in her heart.”  That is a beautiful picture of a wise woman—reflecting and going to God before acting, living a life of faithfulness to love and goodness.

Along the way, I have learned more about the heart—

*A wounded heart cannot see correctly, so when I’m hurting my perspective is not accurate.

*A hurt, resentful heart makes me ugly while a pure, clean, healthy, whole heart makes me beautiful in God’s eyes.

*We use the phrase “Don’t lose heart” to encourage someone not to give up or lose hope.

I will carry my heart with me my whole life, so it makes sense that taking care of it should be a high priority for me. As we begin 2019, let’s look at the condition of our hearts. Sit quietly and ask God to show you. Does someone come to mind? Does an old hurt bubble to the surface? God’s Spirit is so faithful to lead us in this endeavor. I was recently asked, “Are you willing to look at your dark side more than ever this year?”  I want to say, “Yes”.

These are just a few of God’s precious words in Scripture that speak to me and help me along the way—some of my favorites.  What are yours? I encourage you to write them down or maybe even do a word study on “heart.”

I want to live my life with a heart wide open, or wholeheartedly.  I don’t want to hold back.  How about you?

I’ll close with a prayer I recently read—

              “O God, sow your Word once more in our hearts today; till patiently the soil of our souls bring forth a rich harvest, so that all may find nourishment for body and spirit through the lives of your people.  Through Christ our Lord.  Amen.”

 

 

 

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THE PUZZLE OF ADDICTION— Wrestling with and agonizing over addiction

I have struggled with addiction and I have loved those struggling with addiction. I’ve wrestled with the Whys—Why can’t they stop? Why do they continue to hurt themselves? Why do/did I continue to hurt myself? My personal addictions include drugs, alcohol, cigarettes, food, men, work, and, the most insidious: obsessive thinking and wanting things my way.

My recovery journey began when I was 35. I am currently in my third decade of walking this path, which I now consider an inestimable gift from God. I have changed, been transformed, and I’ve witnessed others change. I’ve also watched others struggle, relapse, give in to the addiction and die, some by their own hand. We say in recovery meetings that we are “a high-risk group.” Through the years, I have tearfully asked many questions, trying to solve this puzzle of addiction. Today I ask fewer questions. I don’t have the answers, but I do have hope—for myself and for those I love.

“THINGS THAT ARE IMPOSSIBLE BY HUMAN RESOURCES, ARE POSSIBLE FOR GOD.” LUKE 18:27

Looking back, I see that at some point in this journey, I had the sense, the knowing, that the answer to how to be set free was a spiritual one: to be filled with faith so there would be no draw or appeal to fill myself with something lesser. But this would be a slow process.  As I surrendered to the twelve-step recovery program, sought God as best I could, and didn’t give up on myself, I changed.  Little by little.  The ties to those go-to behaviors started to loosen, to fall off, to melt away.  Over time.

So now, I don’t have a draw to most of those things—drugs, alcohol, cigarettes, food, or men, but I periodically struggle with work and obsessive thinking.  The ties are not so strong now, and I can more quickly recognize when I’ve veered off God’s best path for me.  If I am under stress, I can go to one of my self-medicators rather than go to God, but that reaction is pretty short-lived.  Because once you’ve experienced the real thing, the others pale in comparison.

I’ve read that all addictions are really our misplaced longing for God. Something to ponder–and to find hope in.  Now, I want God more than I want the substitutes–most of the time. I prefer to be bound only to the Divine. This is how I pray for those I love who are in the midst of this battle.  I remember that we do not stand still. We are either moving forward toward the light–the good, full life–or falling back into the darkness. But God is in the light and the dark.  There can be much meaning and value in suffering. Much to be discovered about God and about ourselves. Over time, I have become aware of my many limitations and how much I need help to live life to the full.  I can accept that fact and be at peace because I’m also aware of how much I am loved by a powerful God who is my best ally. My hope lies in His love and power at work in my life.

The twelve steps are based on the Christian faith which calls for complete surrender and patience with the long transformation process. It’s similar to a Midwest autumn season with the trees surrendering, letting go of their leaves and waiting for the new life that spring always brings.  In life, things sometimes fall apart before they come together. In recovery, we are invited to let go of the familiar with hope for the unknown future, which rests in our Creator’s hands.  I want to trust the infinite God more than the human finite self—mine or another’s.  God knows the way. When I get stuck, I can ask myself, “How free do you want to be?”  Today I want to thrive, not just survive. God makes that possible for all of us.

My journey has also taught me the importance of community.  The recovery program is called a “we program.” Our faith is also meant to be lived out together. When our hearts and minds are troubled, we need the clarity another can bring to us. We look to God and one another to become fully alive. We can give each other the gifts of encouragement, guidance, and, above all, hope.

As much as I would love to offer you a concrete, step-by-step solution to this puzzle, I cannot. I will leave you with the hope that the answers will come to you, God will come to you, if you stay open, honest, and willing to be changed. You can find your way and so can your loved ones.

“Always be in a state of expectancy, and see that you leave room for God to come in as He likes.”   Oswald Chambers

As always, I’d love to hear your comments or questions. Feel free to email me, too.