OPENING MY HEART

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One of my favorite priests begins daily mass by encouraging us in a soft voice with a twinkle in his aging eyes, “Let us begin by opening our hearts to God…” Later, he invites us to “Lift up our hearts to the Lord.”  Since I began my journey to follow Christ, I have been intrigued by how often the word “heart” is found in the Scriptures. It is one of those words that I have been drawn to without fully understanding its meaning. It has seemed to me a weighty word, packed with significance.  Our heart is crucial to our physical life but equally vital to our emotional and spiritual well-being.

When I began a program of recovery in my mid-thirties, my first sponsor suggested that rather than relying solely on my brain, I might begin to exercise another organ, my heart.  They say that we stop growing emotionally when our addiction takes over.  If this is true, I began recovery with the emotions of a 16-year-old.  I had a lot of growing up to do.  I was trying to live my life with a heart that had been severely wounded—initially by others, then later by my own hand, choices, and decisions. You could say that I needed a heart transplant.

As I moved forward in recovery and began “growing along spiritual lines,” as the program suggests, I joined a women’s Bible Study.  One of the women, who later became a close friend, talked about “guarding your heart.”  Again, I wasn’t sure what that phrase actually meant, but it seemed a wise thing to do, and I wanted to know more.

I began reading passages like—

              “God, create in me a clean heart, renew within me a resolute spirit.” (Psalm 51:10) — I sure wanted that.

I found comfort in—

              “God is close to the brokenhearted, to those crushed in spirit.” (Psalm 34:18) — I have come to believe that it is in my pain that God is closest to me, whether I realize it or not.

I found hope in—

               “A good person out of the store of goodness in his heart produces good… for from the fullness of the heart the mouth speaks.” (Luke 6:45) — This can be my future as God’s Spirit works in me.

And my favorite—

              “Mary kept all these things, reflecting on them in her heart.” (Luke 2:19) — Mary is also described as “pondering all these things in her heart.”  That is a beautiful picture of a wise woman—reflecting and going to God before acting, living a life of faithfulness to love and goodness.

Along the way, I have learned more about the heart—

*A wounded heart cannot see correctly, so when I’m hurting my perspective is not accurate.

*A hurt, resentful heart makes me ugly while a pure, clean, healthy, whole heart makes me beautiful in God’s eyes.

*We use the phrase “Don’t lose heart” to encourage someone not to give up or lose hope.

I will carry my heart with me my whole life, so it makes sense that taking care of it should be a high priority for me. As we begin 2019, let’s look at the condition of our hearts. Sit quietly and ask God to show you. Does someone come to mind? Does an old hurt bubble to the surface? God’s Spirit is so faithful to lead us in this endeavor. I was recently asked, “Are you willing to look at your dark side more than ever this year?”  I want to say, “Yes”.

These are just a few of God’s precious words in Scripture that speak to me and help me along the way—some of my favorites.  What are yours? I encourage you to write them down or maybe even do a word study on “heart.”

I want to live my life with a heart wide open, or wholeheartedly.  I don’t want to hold back.  How about you?

I’ll close with a prayer I recently read—

              “O God, sow your Word once more in our hearts today; till patiently the soil of our souls bring forth a rich harvest, so that all may find nourishment for body and spirit through the lives of your people.  Through Christ our Lord.  Amen.”

 

 

 

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THE PUZZLE OF ADDICTION— Wrestling with and agonizing over addiction

I have struggled with addiction and I have loved those struggling with addiction. I’ve wrestled with the Whys—Why can’t they stop? Why do they continue to hurt themselves? Why do/did I continue to hurt myself? My personal addictions include drugs, alcohol, cigarettes, food, men, work, and, the most insidious: obsessive thinking and wanting things my way.

My recovery journey began when I was 35. I am currently in my third decade of walking this path, which I now consider an inestimable gift from God. I have changed, been transformed, and I’ve witnessed others change. I’ve also watched others struggle, relapse, give in to the addiction and die, some by their own hand. We say in recovery meetings that we are “a high-risk group.” Through the years, I have tearfully asked many questions, trying to solve this puzzle of addiction. Today I ask fewer questions. I don’t have the answers, but I do have hope—for myself and for those I love.

“THINGS THAT ARE IMPOSSIBLE BY HUMAN RESOURCES, ARE POSSIBLE FOR GOD.” LUKE 18:27

Looking back, I see that at some point in this journey, I had the sense, the knowing, that the answer to how to be set free was a spiritual one: to be filled with faith so there would be no draw or appeal to fill myself with something lesser. But this would be a slow process.  As I surrendered to the twelve-step recovery program, sought God as best I could, and didn’t give up on myself, I changed.  Little by little.  The ties to those go-to behaviors started to loosen, to fall off, to melt away.  Over time.

So now, I don’t have a draw to most of those things—drugs, alcohol, cigarettes, food, or men, but I periodically struggle with work and obsessive thinking.  The ties are not so strong now, and I can more quickly recognize when I’ve veered off God’s best path for me.  If I am under stress, I can go to one of my self-medicators rather than go to God, but that reaction is pretty short-lived.  Because once you’ve experienced the real thing, the others pale in comparison.

I’ve read that all addictions are really our misplaced longing for God. Something to ponder–and to find hope in.  Now, I want God more than I want the substitutes–most of the time. I prefer to be bound only to the Divine. This is how I pray for those I love who are in the midst of this battle.  I remember that we do not stand still. We are either moving forward toward the light–the good, full life–or falling back into the darkness. But God is in the light and the dark.  There can be much meaning and value in suffering. Much to be discovered about God and about ourselves. Over time, I have become aware of my many limitations and how much I need help to live life to the full.  I can accept that fact and be at peace because I’m also aware of how much I am loved by a powerful God who is my best ally. My hope lies in His love and power at work in my life.

The twelve steps are based on the Christian faith which calls for complete surrender and patience with the long transformation process. It’s similar to a Midwest autumn season with the trees surrendering, letting go of their leaves and waiting for the new life that spring always brings.  In life, things sometimes fall apart before they come together. In recovery, we are invited to let go of the familiar with hope for the unknown future, which rests in our Creator’s hands.  I want to trust the infinite God more than the human finite self—mine or another’s.  God knows the way. When I get stuck, I can ask myself, “How free do you want to be?”  Today I want to thrive, not just survive. God makes that possible for all of us.

My journey has also taught me the importance of community.  The recovery program is called a “we program.” Our faith is also meant to be lived out together. When our hearts and minds are troubled, we need the clarity another can bring to us. We look to God and one another to become fully alive. We can give each other the gifts of encouragement, guidance, and, above all, hope.

As much as I would love to offer you a concrete, step-by-step solution to this puzzle, I cannot. I will leave you with the hope that the answers will come to you, God will come to you, if you stay open, honest, and willing to be changed. You can find your way and so can your loved ones.

“Always be in a state of expectancy, and see that you leave room for God to come in as He likes.”   Oswald Chambers

As always, I’d love to hear your comments or questions. Feel free to email me, too.